identity + SELF-ESTEEM

How you see yourself affects many areas of your life - your self-worth, how you feel about your body, how you show up at work, how assertive you are in life, how you value yourself in your relationships. Your identity and self-esteem are shaped by various influences - family, friend, culture, traditional media and social media, and society more generally. When you experience low self-esteem, it can have a negative impact not only in the various areas of your life, but also your wellbeing and mental health. Let’s dive deeper and take a closer look.

how are identity + self-esteem shaped?

Over the course of a lifetime we receive so many messages about who we are, how we should behave and think, as seen through the eyes of others:

the role of your family

Your family plays the first role in shaping your identity and self-esteem. What they value (either explicitly stated or implied) shapes your values, thoughts, and behaviours. Supportive relationships where you are allowed to be yourself, learn through mistakes, and are guided in growth help you to thrive in life and lead you to feel valued. In contrast, difficult relationships where unrealistic expectations are placed on you, you’re forced to fit in, and are filled with criticism or neglect can leave you feeling unimportant and unworthy. Attachment style within your family of origin also act as a template for future relationships.

friendships + school environment

A stable, positive school environment with a supportive group of friends help to build a positive identity and self-esteem, helping you to feel valued, worth, and important. In contrast, constantly changing school environments, bullying and isolation, and a punitive school environment where mistakes are punished only serve to lower self-esteem.

Culture + society

Cultural and societal norms are hard to escape - they dictate what’s expected regarding appearance, occupation, sexual orientation and gender identity, religion, beliefs and values, actions, education (and much more) and shape your sense of belong in culture and society. Humans are wired to engage in social comparisons, and if you feel you fall short of these norms it can impact your sense of belonging, identity, and self-esteem.

Social media + traditional media

Whilst cultural and social norms operate more as a background hum, it’s hard to avoid the noisy overt messages that media - in both traditional and social formats - have on identity and self-esteem. Media is a reflection of society and culture, and everyday media bombards you with messages that reinforce cultural and societal norms.

some examples…

Family, friendships, culture, society, and media - these combine to influence what you value, how you see yourself, and whether or not you are worthy based on the comparisons that you make. Consider the following examples:

Colt comes from family with a long legacy of success, with parents both high achievers. Expectations of Colt were exceedingly high, dictating acceptable careers that he can have, where he should live, the types of partners deemed appropriate, who to vote, and even who he should socialise with. However, Colt finds these expectations suffocating, to the point where he procrastinates and avoids attempting things out of the belief that he is not good enough and cannot live up to expectations. These, in turn, affect his mental health.

Kim’s parents’ journey as immigrants navigating an unfamiliar country infused Kim’s experiences growing up. She was taught to never complain, to work hard, and to prove yourself to others and to society. These messages left Kim feeling like an outsider, that she did not belong in the country where she was born, and was reinforced when navigating a schooling system in which she was in the minority. This led her to a pattern of people-pleasing and avoiding conflict in order to fit in and gain acceptance. The trouble with this is that Kim only feels good when she is accepted.

Ryder grew up in a close-knit family where he always felt accepted as an individual even though at times they did not agree with his actions. He was encouraged to find his own path and supported in his decisions. Over the years, Ryder has been able to navigate setbacks in life and feel settled in himself as he lives a life aligned to what’s important to him rather than one aligned to what society expects.

WHAT IS LOW SELF-ESTEEM?

Self-esteem is an evaluation of self-worth, which can be how you see ourselves across most situations (i.e. global self-esteem), or in certain areas (i.e. specific, as in the case of how you perform at work, or how you are as a partner).[1]

Low self-esteem occurs when you judge yourself negatively, and this can either be global (“I’m a loser”) or a specific (“No one will want to date me”) in nature. [2] It tends to develop in childhood in response to a build up of negative experiences (e.g. bullying, or poor relationship with parents; see above), and it is often maintained by constant self-criticism over the years.[1]

SIGNS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Over the years we’ve worked with many individuals who experience low self-esteem, and how low self-esteem ‘looks’ varies widely from person to person. Some characteristics of low self-esteem include:

• Feeling dissatisfied, or unhappy, about yourself.

• Seeing the glass as half full, particularly where you’re concerned.

• Having negative automatic thoughts about being weak, not good enough, flawed, useless, worthless, a failure, unattractive, or unlovable.

• Constantly scrutinising yourself (appearance, actions, achievements).

• Fearing that others will disapprove or criticise you.

• Feeling insecure.

• Being self-protective and avoiding stepping outside your comfort zone due to a fear of failure or of making any mistake.

• Having a low sense of self-worth.

• Reacting more severely to failure compared to most people.

• Lacking confidence around others, and often appearing as shy, withdrawn, quiet, awkward, or unable to adequately express yourself.

• Limiting interactions with others, including avoiding invitations, not contributing to conversations, or giving brief answers to deflect attention away from you.

• Not having a stable sense of self/identity.

THE IMPACT OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Low self-esteem can have a wide-ranging impact on an individuals’ physical, psychological, and social functioning, and dragging down your overall quality of life. Below are just some ways in which you may be affected.

PHYSICAL IMPACT OF low self-esteem [1]

• Constantly working to please others and avoid negative judgement can lead to exhaustion, fatigue, and burnout.

• Constant stress and anxiety can also lead to muscle tension and headaches.

PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

• When you have a low opinion of yourself, thinking errors can keep you locked in a negative cycle. You end up paying more attention to signs you’re not good enough, and you can be dismissive of praise and positive feedback wherein you view positive outcomes as being due to luck, or because someone is taking pity on you.

• We also often see social comparison, and perfectionistic coping styles commonly co-occur with low self-esteem.

• Low self-esteem is linked to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, and suicide. [1] [2]

• The onset of mental health issues itself may also lower self-esteem (e.g. doubting one’s ability to work if experiencing debilitating anxiety). [1]

• Poor coping styles (e.g. alcohol and drug misuse, self-harm) may be utilised to distract from feelings of inadequacy, and reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself. [1]

  
  

SOCIAL IMPACT OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Low self-esteem can have a significant impact on your social life:

• Procrastination may creep in – not only at school or work, but also when it comes to making plans – due to a fear of disapproval from others.[3]

• Worrying about what others think of you, and not feeling good enough, can lead you to hold back when socialising, or adopt a persona that you think is more likeable and acceptable. This can lead to feelings of loneliness when it seems that no one knows the real you, or you may withdraw from interacting with others because you feel unworthy in their company.

support for identity + low self-esteem

Low self-esteem touches so many areas of life, and can really impact on your everyday experience. The good news is that there are options when it comes to improving self-esteem; be prepared though to work on for a period of time – we often find that low self-esteem has built up over several decades, and we are working on shifting how you fundamentally see yourself.

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY (CBT) FOR LOW SELF-ESTEEM

So much of self-esteem is derived from your beliefs, judgements, and attitudes about yourself and your abilities. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy – or looking at the link between your thoughts and your feelings – is an ideal starting point for improving low self-esteem.[1][3][4]

As part of CBT you may look at how your identity has formed, leading to the negative self-talk changing the critical self-evaluations you make of yourself, building skills to become more assertive, and developing kindness to yourself.[1][4][5]

There is also increasing research into variations of CBT that are demonstrating positive impact when it comes to improving self-esteem; these are anchored on the premise that negative beliefs and perceptions of self are critical in the development and maintenance of low self-esteem. Examples include Schema Therapy, Self-Compassion Therapy, Mindfulness, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

SCHEMA THERAPY FOR LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Schema therapy explores how early experiences shape your identity and how you see yourself. Early maladptive schemas (pervasive self-defeating memories and emotions) developed during childhood/adolescence grow and strengthen over your lifetime, and lead to negative coping responses (modes) that reinforce the maladaptive schemas. Schema therapy focuses on helping individuals reduce these coping responses, and on shifting cognitions and emotions connected to the early maladaptive schemas.[6]

compassion-focused therapy, mindfulness, and acceptance and commitment therapy (act) for low self-esteem

These three approaches below share commonalities in how they help low self-esteem:

• Compassion-focused therapy focuses on helping individuals experiencing high levels of shame and self-criticism develop a kinder view of self and others, and on openness to compassion from others.[7]

• Mindfulness can help individuals develop healthier self-esteem through adopting a non-judgemental and non-reactive stance towards critical thoughts, feelings, and sensations.[8] By remaining present and in the moment, it can draw an individual away from ruminations about past negative events and self-critical thoughts. 

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has been identified as having overlap with Compassion-Focused approaches, which in itself draws on mindfulness.[9] including self-kindness being closely linked to self-acceptance, acceptance of emotional experiences, and common humanity (central to self-compassion). Mindfulness is a feature of both Compassion-focused and ACT, as they emphasise defusion from self-criticism, acceptance of strong negative emotions.

If low self-esteem is becoming a problem for you, why not Contact Us for a tailored approach? Our team has years of experience working with low self-esteem and its linked mental health conditions (e.g. social anxiety, depression, substance use).

REFERENCES

[1] Guindon, M. (2010). Self-esteem across the lifespan: Issues and interventions. Routledge.

[2] Rosenberg, M., Schooler, C., Schoenbach, C., & Rosenberg, F. (1995). Global self-esteem and specific self-esteem: Different concepts, different outcomes. American Sociological Review, 60, 141. https://doi.org/10.2307/2096350

[3] Kennerley, H., Kirk, J., & Westbrook, D. (2017). An introduction to cognitive behaviour therapy (3rd ed.). SAGE Publications Ltd.

[4] Taylor, T., & Montgomery, P. (2007). Can cognitive-behavioral therapy increase self-esteem among depressed adolescents? A systematic review. Children and Youth Services Review, 29, 823-839. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2007.01.010

[5] Warren, R., Smeets, E., & Neff, K. (2016). Self-criticism and self-compassion: Risk and resilience. Current Psychiatry, 15(12). Retrieved from https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Self-Criticism.pdf.

[6] Young, J.E., Klosko, J., & Weishaar, M.E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford.

[7] Leaviss, J., & Uttley, L. (2015). Psychotherapeutic benefits of compassion-focused therapy: An early systematic review. Psychological Medicine, 45, 927-945. https://www.cambridge.org/core/services/aop-cambridge-core/content/view/6E1FB22CFABD2B96AC7DE0B473774F9F/S0033291714002141a.pdf/psychotherapeutic-benefits-of-compassion-focused-therapy-an-early-systematic-review.pdf

[8] Randal, C., Pratt, D., & Bucci, S. (2015). Mindfulness and self-esteem: A systematic review. Mindfulness, 6, 1366-1378. doi 10.1007/s12671-015-0407-6  

[9] Yadavaia, J.E., Hayes, S.C., & Vilardaga, R. (2014). Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to increase self-compassion: A randomised controlled trial. Journal of Contextual Behavioural Science, 3, 248-257. doi: 10.1016/j.jcbs.2014.09.002